you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
