She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
