i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you had me at cake vodka
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
