I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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