god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
