She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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