if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
