i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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