I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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