You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize