are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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