My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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