hell yes lets make some ravioli
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
