soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
