I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize