I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
