alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
