we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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