Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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