I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
