neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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