3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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