My first STD was from a foam party
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
