HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
