I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I bet he comes in French.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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