yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
