I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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