i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
