I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
