just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
