I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
