The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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