she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize