"it" just moved
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
