Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
