Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
