Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
