she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
