Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
