when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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