Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
