dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
