No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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