My hand turned me down
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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