I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I want to fling myself into the sun
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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