why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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