i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
