i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
