I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
