he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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