Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
