Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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