Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
