Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
