We're like a lot better than the average bears
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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