A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I just went to clothing optional bar
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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