if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize