Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
