My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
